Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The air was thick with penises
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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