Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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