we have officially lost it.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Bring me that man meat
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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