PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
the raccoons are back...
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