that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
