Too much gin, very little bucket
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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