just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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