Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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