two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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