Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
