I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
