6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
