I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
