she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
