She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
