apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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