yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
