Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
