So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
