the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
