Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
