3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
