I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
