I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
