That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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