I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
