i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
