I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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