I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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