There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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