I am midnight drunk by noon
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
