great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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