Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
