I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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