Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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