Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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