I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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