They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
