I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
