rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
