I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
