Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
