And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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