In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
