Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
