My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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