Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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