There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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