It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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