Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
