I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
